I Miss You-In short, I'm just in one of those moods where I miss everybody.
So what better to do at this point than to make a list of everyone I miss? .D It's not like anyone on here will even read it, public or not; even if I'd be happier if they read it. I'd print this out and give a copy to all of them if I thought they'd read it. (IF THEY READ IT IT'D BE LIKE, MY CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM PEOPLE THAT HATE ME - HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE, LOL.) XD
To ex-friends-Cheers to all of these and a few others I forget.
(They're in no order)
S.E. - I don't like to take back or apologize for the things I say if I mean them, even if I hate the results. Truth be told, I already could tell we were drawing apart before I ever said those last things sophomore year. You never did like the way I was, but it's always so hard to tell with people like you. But you really are a perfect example of a civilized person. You can take that as you will; it's neither compliment nor insult, but a merely an opinion.
R.R. - I never expected to keep in line with you, especially after S.E. ditched. You guys were tight as hell, so I knew it would just happen. I think I bothered you a lot, but you were very nice about it.
M.C.-I don't even know what happened to you; you sort of just vanished as fast as you came...
S.Z. - (This one you HAVE to laugh at-it's an amazing story of irony. If I had to say one person on this list besides myself drove me to where I am, I'd have to say it was this one.) We were great friends at first - I remember so many crazy things we did together. XD Remember one time you got a P.E. d-hall and had to write a paper on rules and behavior, and you were so upset you were almost in tears? You were scared your parents would be furious, so you forged a signature and told them you had to stay at school to help a teacher, and I wrote your paper for you. (I found that still saved to my computer a little while ago.) That was so funny. XD And remember how we always left crazy notes in each other's lockers, all through middle school? (I still have those, somewhere.) And remember when we had to break into your house? And that other time you lost your key in the grass by the gazebo, and us and some of your friends looked for something like over an hour before we gave up and you went home, freaking out you'd get in trouble? You stole your parents' house key and I snuck over later, picked it up, and rode my bike to Lowe's and bought you a new copy, and gave it and the original back to you in a book that night. I cannot even BELIEVE we got away with that-that was so f*cking stupid. XD
This friendship was the one I hate myself for messing up the most; and I'd like to apologize for messing this one up at least-because I didn't do it for me. (Or so I thought.) I don't think I ever explained what happened, at least from my side of the fence.
I remember you started getting weird and making sex jokes and grabbing people's asses and stuff like that. I told you it bugged me, so you stopped doing it to me, so I was fine. That was still when we were "The Four"-R.R., S.E., you, me. Then it started falling apart, and it was R.R., S.E., me. And when we went out, one of us would ask "Should we invite S.Z.?" and someone would say "Uh, maybe not today... She's just gotten really b*tchy and weird..." And when you weren't around we'd talk, and we'd always circle back around to you. I thought you were weird, sure, but I don't remember a particular dislike. I disliked, however, that you were making my two friends-pretty much my only two friends-uncomfortable. The were always saying how the way you talked and acted made them uncomfortable, so I got mad. I went after you, because that's what I try to do for friends, even if it's against another one.
I felt like you really took what I said to heart those times I spent talking to you. You seemed like you were really trying hard-you wrote me an entire letter, and that sh*t takes work. (That's what I think was worst-no other ex-friend tried, but you did.) But anyway, I got annoyed, and I vented at you on the driveway to your house, when instead I should have told you what I really thought. But you took it, and I thought it was over. Then, hanging with R.R. and S.E. one day, they told me you'd made fun of me in front of all your groupies, the art kids, laughing about me talking to you and my stupid accent that always comes out when I lose my temper. And then, I REALLY lost my temper. I went up to your house again, that next damn day, and I really let you have it. (You stood there and tried to look cool, but that was before you got good at acting.) We told each other we hated one another, and I told you to shut up and turned my back to you as I walked down your drive, and you slammed your door as loud as you could. We were both so mad it seems funny now. Later I told R.R. and S.E. what I'd done, and I admit it-I was dumb enough and young enough to think they'd break ties with you and take my side, because, after all I'd thought I was speaking up for them. But they didn't, they continued to deal with you until soon it seemed they got used to and liked the way you were. And you got more friends, and I got less. It was the ultimate backfire, a super reversal and I can't help but think it's funny because it IS.
I bet even if you somehow magically found this and read it, you wouldn't believe me. You'd talk to S.E. or R.R. and they'd tell you whatever and I'd still look like a liar. But I'm only telling the truth of what happened to ME on a personal level; who knows how everyone else saw it.
We never talked again except for once, and I remember I debated with myself for ages before I decided I would talk to you. It was so weird in some parts of the conversation, but like being friends again in others. I was glad I'd talked to you again, but I have no idea how you felt. I mostly got the idea I took you by surprise by talking to you, but I don't want you to be surprised again. I can't keep grudges anymore.
(Remember, back when we were friends, the worst fight we had was when you had that weird phase you went through where you kept scratching everyone and I got mad and stopped talking to you for about a few weeks before I cracked? That seemed like FOREVER back then-how dumb does that sound now? XD)
*****
Let's look at numbers.
S.E. is friends with the world, and R.R. is too, God knows where M.C.'s gone to, (though I've heard she's hung out with Ray a few times since I last saw her,) and S.Z. is friends with every person who's ever wandered into the art hall. Everyone knows all of them-whether THEY know them or not.
I have two friends, and I fully expect we'll lose touch after graduation. People know me, because they are scared of me. .D
Life has a very rude but appropriate sense of humor, don't you think?
I hope you all got as many kicks and giggles when you read this as I did writing this. (Seriously. I laughed at some parts. I think I'm retarded you guys.)
*****
UNRELATED:
For anyone who reads this, has read Bartholomew's story, and gives half a sh*t, I've renamed it. "The Miseries of Bartholomew Owen" just seemed so dark, and I'd like to think it has its funny points. Since that first portion it's grown into a million tiny episodes. I kind of plan on turning it into a mini series to be put in one book or something when I have time, so I gave it a more appropriate title. "Life; As Written in a Urinal". (Trust me; it'll make more sense if you ever get to read the completed version.) It's pretty crazy. If I one day put it in print, I recommend you pick it up, even if you hate me. Everyone in the book is based off someone I know. And every person in this journal (yes, ex-friends are in it) is included. I doubt you'll find yourself, but you can try.
Homesick
Daily Needs
Pain
Optimism
Humor
